internet, good book and DVR full of shows
The picture above shows how I spent my Sunday. In bed doing nothing. That’s right ALL THE PLANS I had for today went nowhere and you know what…. I don’t feel bad about it. Usually around this time Sunday night (9:30pm), I get angry at myself for not doing anything I had set out for the day to do. Now I am coming to a stage where I ask myself:
- Was it a life or death matter?
- Was it an assignment that needed to be done?
- Did I promise anyone something for today?
Usually the answer is “no”. With that being said, why do I feel so bad about not doing anything? Yes I do know that I have a problem with procrastination, but should I truly feel bad about taking a day where I just rest? And why is it only Sundays when I feel like this? I learned this summer that I can truly be stretched to the max and survive it. However if I choose to take a day out of the week where I just “rest”, I end up beating myself up about it. It is something I am still wrapping my head around.
Back in the day (pre 2009) I use to use Sundays as “prep day”, meaning that I would wash clothes, clean the house, iron my clothes for the week, and prepare lunches for the week for work. Currently none of that exist and I now know that it is (or was) due to my depression. Which I guess also explains why I feel so bad (guilty) about my lazy Sundays. Now that I am finally seeing the light at the end of this depression tunnel, I guess I expect myself to hop right back into my old routine.
However just like with my “negative thoughts”, my habit of lying in bed (in a depressive state) all day will not change overnight. I am now at the point where I am no longer depress, the next step is….. being happy AS WELL AS being still. Hell as of late I have been working 50 hour weeks in addition to summer school and 24 hr internship on the weekends. I should be welcoming these lazy Sundays when I get them. LOL…
Behavior doesn’t change overnight. Just by going into the closet and picking out items that I haven’t worn in months (okay years) shows that either the old Neka is coming back or the new and improved one underway. I am no longer going to stress over resting my body before I dive into the new week. Instead I am going to enjoy the peaceful day and “be still”.