Day 2: Introduction
Since reintroducing myself, I still have been trying to determine how I wanted to proceed with the blog. Pondering the question, “How much should I share?”
While catching up with blogs, I came across “Black Girl Unlost”. I was reading one her posts, which talked about writing, doing a 30 day blog challenge and therapy. While reading, I kept thinking, “Did I write that?!”
For the past several months I have been seeing a counselor….
For as long as I can remember, I have been depressed about one thing or another. While I am a great actor (still is) and able to cover it up, as I get older (particular for the past year/year and a half) the depression got worse and became harder to disguise. For the past couple of years, I pondered on the idea of going to talk to someone because I knew what I was feeling was not normal and it needed to be dealt with before it became uncontrollable. Therefore after a particular episode that kept me in bed for a couple days unable to even go to work, I decided that I was going down the road of….no longer being able to control it.
Once deciding on seeing someone, I needed to figure out whom that “someone” should be. I knew right away that they should be female. Next were trying to determine should race play a factor in it. While I know any professional would be able to assist me, I wanted to be able to feel that not only do they empathize with what I am going through, but that they should also truly understand what it is that I am feeling and how hard it is for me to put myself out there to a stranger. Being a black woman in today’s society, it’s hard to come out to family and friends that something about you are not right. We fear that people will think we are crazy, we will appear weak or just downright ashamed.
From the first meeting, I knew I made the right decision. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Putting myself out there to a stranger and being vulnerable are two things that I DO NOT DO. She has put mirror to my face and has shown me that I am the person holding me back and I cannot change until I truly want to. Just like Black Girl Unlost, I was extremely mean and judgmental to myself and most importantly, I lack self worth. Realizing this made me understand why I continue to be unhappy in the things I try to do in life which results in failure.
Now that she has found the “tumor” we are in the radiation/chemo stage. I remember one session where I went to her, cried and said, “I can’t do this, it’s hard, I can’t live like this anymore, just tell me what to do to be better.” All I got was, “You have to want to change.”. I WAS PISSED. Not the answer I was looking for. LOL…. I wanted a bullet list of actions I need to do in order to feel normal. Nevertheless she was right (duh…she the professional.. LOL). Even though I “wanted” to be better, my actions were showing otherwise. I unrealistically thought that going to a couple of sessions, I would magically be cured. That is not the case, for the past 30 years, I have been telling myself that I am a “failure/ugly/unworthy”. Therefore I shouldn’t expect to be able to say “you’re awesome” and actually believe it after the first time. Hell I been faking the funk for so many years that if that was true, then I would have been “cured” a long time ago.
With ALL OF THAT being said, I am still in the beginning stages of my recovery (I guess that is what I will call it). I am at the process of where I am aware of when negativity creeps into my head and what necessary steps I need to take in order to turn those negative thoughts into positive affirmations. At the same time I am working on exactly who am I. These 30 years I have been a representation of what I wanted others to see me as and what I thought I should be. When asked “Who are you?” I cannot possibly give an answer because I truly do not know. Therefore I am on a quest to figure it out.
One of my passions is writing, but like everything else in my life, I let my lack of self worth and negative thoughts prevent me from pursuing it. For the past couple of weeks, I have been doing things that were outside of my comfort zone. With doing those things, I found the courage to take a bigger step and try to write again. To be vulnerable and real in my writing and not show a representation of what I want people to see. I will use my blog to be a platform in developing myself into the person I want to be as well as honing my skills as a writer.
TOMORROW: The meaning behind my blog name.
Why do so many smart people suffer from depression? Just be free in your writing, don't think life think next word.
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